Gentle Parenting... Give it a Shot.

What is Gentle Parenting?

Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that encourages a partnership between a child and a parent to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures. This parenting style asks a parent to become aware of the behavior they model for their child, encourages compassion, welcomes emotions, and accepts the child as a whole, capable being.

The 3 Facets of Gentle Parenting

A practical way of looking at gentle parenting is to see it as a practice of remembering certain intuitive truths. For example, we know that children learn by watching their parents. We know that our child is their own person, and we want them to feel loved for who they are. Seeing how empathy, understanding, and respect fit into gentle parenting can give you a better idea of how to try it yourself.

Empathy

It’s easy to get swept up in the routine of everyday life. Making a habit of pausing to empathize with your child will give you better access to what the present situation requires. It also shows children how to treat others with care and compassion.

For example, when a child is upset or nervous, a parent can become curious about what is behind the child's behavior. They can try to look for what their child needs at that moment and find out why. Empathy is a powerful reminder to slow down and engage with what your child is dealing with.

Understanding

The understanding piece of gentle parenting comes down to making a practice of remembering that a child is a child. Their world is vastly different from that of adults. It is a reminder that all of the thought patterns that color the grown-up perspective have not yet developed in children.

For example, when children are upset by the toy they misplaced, or they want to stay at the park when the parent is ready to go, ask yourself where this behavior is coming from. Remember that your child’s emotional maturity is still developing. By acknowledging that a child's behavior is appropriate for their developmental stage, parents allow children to explore their reactions, emotions, or thoughts in a safe and nurturing space.

Respect

Gentle parenting is based on mutual respect, something that has far-reaching effects. It wouldn't make sense to hope that a child grows up into an adult who respects others when being respected wasn't modeled for them at a young age. Parents who show their children respect are also showing them that it is a choice. In day-to-day life, respecting your child in practice means swapping gentle requests for harsh commands, and extending invitations for partnership in lieu of fear-based warnings. Respect is connected to their values, which will develop by seeing positive role models around them.

How is This Different than Mainstream Parenting?

There are many key differences between gentle parenting and mainstream parenting.

​Mainstream Parenting	Gentle Parenting
​Routines are set by parents or parenting "experts"	Natural rhythms of the child are observed and followed
Children should learn respect for their parents ASAP	Parent respects child leading child to respect the parent
Parents are in control, not the child	Child's need for control over their lives is acknowledged and respected where appropriate
Bad behavior is always unacceptable and is punished	No behavior is seen as "bad" -- but rather as an unmet need and way to learn
Child should be taught to 'self-sooth' to sleep as soon as possible, to remove night-waking, largely through being left alone	Parents should recognize self-soothing as not a learnt skill, but a developmental stage and the best way to develop by supporting the child with emotional regulation by 'being there' in early years.
'Good' behavior to be rewarded	No behavior is rewarded, particularly not the type that is expected by parents.
Praise when a child does something a parent likes	Most praise is seen as shallow and unnecessary, particularly outcome based, and not effort based.
Children to be independent as soon as possible, and forced separation is seen as "for their own good"	​Recognize that the child's need for the adult to be a 'secure base' separation therefore not forced. Before independence, there should be dependence.
Most emphasis is on changing the child's behavior in order that they fit in better with the parent's lives	Parents understand that they may need to make changes in their lives whilst children are younger in order to cope with child's normal developmental needs.
Can be over-strict, but can also be inconsistent when it comes to responding to a child's behavior. Sometimes finds it hard to 'pick battles' and resist saying 'no'	Boundaries and limits are seen as vitally important for the safety and well-being of the child and consistency of enforcing these is vital, but parents are prepared to be flexible of being mindful of their child's needs and may have less enforceable limits -- limits are reserved for things that really matter.
Can find it hard to separate their own thoughts and feelings with those of their child.	Parents recognize how important they are as a parent, how they must care for themselves, find support, and ask for help in order to have space and energy to nurture their child. They are mindful of 'parent burn-out' and how their own feelings impact parenting.

Common Misunderstandings of Gentle Parenting

It’s easy to think of gentle parenting as boundary-free. Parents can be cautious to embrace a gentler approach because they might be concerned about losing control. They worry that their child will struggle to identify what is or isn’t out of bounds for their safety and their treatment of themselves and others. While it’s a valid concern, parents can rest assured that gentle parenting doesn’t avoid discipline or boundaries.

Remember that encouraging a partnership between the parent and the child is the goal of this approach. Unnecessary anger and commands are discouraged, such as repeatedly justifying demands with “because I told you so.” In their place, gentle parents send messages that not only set boundaries but leave a long-term impact. Children are told that they have a friend in their parents that will keep them safe and are encouraged to learn from the situation.

In this case, a parent establishing expectations for a day at the park might say “we are going to stay safe by playing in this area where we can both see one another. We can check if we are too far by waving at each other and making sure the other person waves back.”

So How Can Gentle Parenting Improve a Child's Mental Health?

I honestly believe that gentle parenting can significantly improve kids’ mental health prospects and develop a level of immunity to mental health problems. This is because of the huge focus on developing emotional resilience. Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt, facing tough situations without falling apart. People with emotional resilience believe in their intrinsic value, which means they work to make things better, more in line with what they know they deserve. They’re willing to reach out for help. They do things to make themselves happy. They’re tuned into their feelings and take time to process them. So if gentle parenting is focused on developing children’s emotional resilience, then it stands to reason that these kids are going to gain some immunity from common mental health problems. I’m not saying that kids who are gently parented NEVER get depression or anxiety. But I do think that it gives them a fighting chance – a bit of immunity (just like eating healthily doesn’t guarantee you’ll never get ill, but it does boost your physical immune system). Gentle parenting is hard – it takes patience and emotional energy. It’s a massive time investment and the results might not be visible until many years later.